Then it happened. It was almost as if I slipped through a lace curtain, or through a sound barrier. As if something around me had melted. It was indescribable. It took just one second or so. Whoosh, whoosh. Then came a massive calm. And power! Such power that I never dreamed was possible. My mind and body became icily clear. Indescribable. Beautiful. Like Superman. In spades. I sank into it completely relaxed, relishing it, amazed that it was actually happening. That it was possible. Kicking seemed unnecessary now. I just lay quietly on the mattress with this unbelievable power, fully conscious that I could do whatever I wanted to with it, and I had all the time in the world.
You need to understand that your rage and fear must come together for the place of true power to be found. As long as there is imbalance here, power is imbalanced. The way to bring balance here is to allow yourself to feel fear and terror until the fear and terror breaks into anger and rage of its own accord. Let the grief that needs to surface here surface in an atmosphere of acceptance also. It has something to say about your feeling toward power. If you have rage first, allow the same process in reverse. Rage until you feel fear and terror and allow the grief. 1
Then came the feeling that I had to use it. From somewhere deep down, the urge to destroy welled up in me. I calmly gathered myself together and began to stand up, brushing aside the five people who were trying to hold me down. I took off my blindfold. Several people were standing around. Some looked up from their mattresses in surprise. Lisbet was looking desperately afraid.
Gapped rage must be given light in stages so that it can heal.2 The most important thing to give is your real response to the gap, no matter how risky it might seem.3
Grof held my arm tensely. I looked straight at him and said evenly:
“Grof. I am going to kill everybody in this room, and I’m going to start with you.”